Brief of events

I will give you a brief of what went on in my life the last few months:

- Got my first ever ID card, government issued that is, long explanation

- My 6 year old graduated kindergarten, I know I know "are you serious?" but they did have a ceremony!

- The search for a suitable private school ended by me finding one called "Children World School" that I just fell in love with and inshallah it is going to be great for my girls and I hope they will stay in it till they graduate highschool and go to uni.

So my tow girls are enrolled the 6 year old in this new school and the 4 year old in the same kindergarten her sister went to. I am so exited for both of them.

- Got busy after that organizing a trip to Europe for us and my parents and my hubbies nephew

- Took my little girls and mum and sister to the hair dresser where we had haircuts/trims and mum a hair dye, right before our trip

- Went to the trip to Disneyland paris, then Geneva, then Paris

- Got back home and after a week girls got sick

- Ramadan started and girls got sick again, which turned out to be Virus H1N1!!!

- Eid came and went

- I decided to start wearing hijab

- After a period of feeling unsettled and a bit unhappy, I am back to my old satisfied self. I am very comfortable and relaxed most of the time now, I am not sure what caused my restlessness and I am not sure what helped ease it up.

- We went a couple of time to our usual beach resort

- My 2 years old got her scheduled vaccinations

- Just yesterday took my girls to have their pictures taken for school documents and took the chance to take a photo with them.

Ok so that is it so far.

Hair brief in another post.

Random thoughts

Try to be an independent thinker, not a rebel.

I am Sad!

Why am I feeling sad?

I love my husband, and I think we have overall a good life together. But as often in relationships you want more and expect more.

I am sad because after seven years of marriage and ten years of engagement and other relations my dear husband does not understand as well as I wished he would.

I am sad because we seem to be drifting into a banal husband and wife relationship and not the deep friendship I wanted out of a marriage.

I am sad because, despite my several attempts, my husband can not find the will to demonstrate his love by small daily loving gestures. Don't get me wrong, he is funny and jokes around a lot, but where are the gestures that tell me: "you are my significant other".? a hug or a kiss during the day can do miracles to ones emotional well being, but my requests fell on deaf ears.

I am sad because, he does not give me the feeling of security and safety I wanted from him. I would love to believe that he is there for me and would take care of me in my future and present, but now I am not so sure.

I am sad because he seems almost as unsatisfied as I am and I don't know what to do about it.

I am sad because I wanted to give my daughters the image of how wonderful marriage can be for a couple, because I grew up in a troubled marriage and wanted to give them something different. I wanted to show them how fulfilling mutual love and caring between a couple can be, but now I am not so sure I will be able to do that.

I am sad because I want more in my marriage than what I have now, and I am sad because for the first time I am not sure I can have it.

Life

I am in a very pleasant mood right now. And feel like I love my life.

My soon to be 6 years old is finished with her first year of school. And I was getting too emotional about it. I come close to tears every time I think about it. Next year two of my daughters will be going to school and I love the thought. Specially now that I found what seems to be and hope it is true, a great school. This school offers a different environment than usual schools here and at the same time keeps standard of eduction and discipline good. I am speaking of what I have noticed during my visits and of what I have been told when asked about it. My 6 years old is joining this school next year. but my 4 years old is joining the same Pre-K her sister went to this past year. My experience with them was excellent, so I am giving them number 2. I am just excited for them and it is just wonderful to see them doing things.

Right now I am enjoying having all my lovely girls with me at home and not having to worry so much about them when they are away.

Older

I have been thinking so much about growing older. I am steadily heading to my forties now that I am turning 38 this coming June. Many thoughts and questions come to mind. Will I ever be able to regain my previous physical form? Can I lose the extra weight? Will I still look nice, or am I going to look like a grouchy old lady? Will I be enjoying good health or am I going to start suffering from various old age illnesses?

I am turning 40 in a couple of years, and I can't believe it!!!

What about the social norms and expectations of people around me? There is a a stereotype to age just like everything else, should I try to adhere to that? or should I just do as I feel like?

I know that in my heart I am not trying to look younger or behave younger, but I am taking the same approach to things as I did 10 years ago. I mean a simple matter like choosing an outfit; should I avoid wearing certain things because the are suppose to be for younger people? Or avoid using a perfume that I liked because it is targeted at a younger audience. I am really not a very trendy person to start with, and that has not changed, but I do like to try new stuff that appeal to me, a new style, a new type of music (could be new to me only) a new perfume and such.

I was choosing a piece of jewelry the other day and my mother was with me. Now she is turning 62 this year, and thought she does not dress in a very young attire, she does try to behave like a 22 year old girl. But still at that when I was shopping I liked a pendant shaped like a butterfly and made from mother of moonstone, to me it looked nice and the question of it being age appropriate did not even cross my mind. But my mum said it was not appropriate for me. Now it was not a colorful little butterfly, as I said it was a very soft color and a bit big pendant. But her comment got me thinking. Should I starting giving more consideration to what I chose wear and try to incorporate "the age factor", or should I just go with what makes me feel good like I always did.

And for some mum ranting: aren't mothers suppose to view their children young for good? And is it a strong indication that your aging when your own mum says something about it?

Talk about not my day, it is not my month

I am having some rough times. First I am pregnant, then I had some problems with it and last call the doctor says things don't looks so good. Well I am fine with whatever outcome as long as it is a healthy baby if the pregnancy goes on. I just hate the wait, and the doctor insisted that we wait two more weeks to determine what is going on. And the wait I hate. My moral is lower and lower by the minute, I am afraid of anything happening that I can't handle. It is not enough that I have to deal with the wait but there is also great fear of what might happen. Not pretty times. Don't know if I can make it for two more weeks. The doctor may find me knocking at his door sooner. Uh, the uncertainty the fear the physical pains, all too much for my poor soul.

What a Wonderful World

I dream of a wonderful world. But it remains a dream.

The last month took me so far away from it. It is not enough that the news is filled with images of starving people and terrified children everywhere. The last month we witnessed a massacre, hundreds of innocent lives and children dead or mutilated by the ugly war. And me with my simple brain was just sitting there shedding tears and wondering how can the world leaders stand still and watch all that happen. If you were a man/woman of power and were able to make a and influence a change would you have stood still and watched thousands of people barricaded and then bombed to their death? Would you have stood still and watched infants being burnt to death or disfigured? And if you were an ordinary person walking down the street and saw a man attacking a child would you just stand still?

And yet the world stood still while all those crimes and more were committed in Gaza under our eyes.

I would just like to scream at every politician :"Save the children"

Feminist?

I never considered myself a feminist. Just don't believe in making a separate issue of women's rights, I believe that equal, fair, just and good treatment is a God given right to all humans regardless of gender, race and any other categorization.

At the same time, I do feel like women are put under a great pressure to please from an early age. That is why we all try to be smart, intelligent, hard working, beautiful, slim, good cooks, good workers, good mothers and everything else anyone expects of us. And we tend to be so hard on ourselves. But what really gets to me is how women are so hard on one another. I think women around me are each others worst enemies. We are always so hard and so quick to judge if we see an overweight woman, or a woman who wishes to stay home and not work, or a woman who choses to take a laid back attitude about anything. At least this is how I see women around me.

My sister in laws recently went to a wedding party. Next day they are all picking on the other women who were at the party, about not dressing right for their shape!!! They find the fact that I don't not socialise that much a wrong thing!!! Other women in the family think that I am less than efficient because I quit my job to stay home with my children!!! I know someone who had a brother who was divorced three times and when he wanted to get married and chose a divorcee like him they did not like it. I tell no one as hard on women as women themselves.

Why can't they be more compassionate, and give more consideration to other women. Is it not enough what we have to deal with from others? Why can't we think of any other woman as a friend or sister before we judge?

I just don't get it!

School

My eldest now five years old has started going to school last week. I was so emotional dropping her off, she was fine though and all exited about the school, but I almost cried. So on that first day, I took her to her classroom, then went down, received her books and uniform. When she got back home we tried the uniform and again I was almost in tears. God it is just like yesterday when we brought her home from the hospital.

Hmmm...

So Ramadan came and went. The whole buzz that comes with it is almost over. I don't feel like ranting right now, but Ramadan since I got married has become busy time for me. My hubby's family all fly in town from somewhere else, at least part of them who don't live here. some stay with us the whole period and others come and go between our house and my sisters in lows houses. Now I do understand that it is just simply common practice to accommodate visiting family but it becomes very tasking, specially with our Arab culture and not very sensible traditions. Anyhow, now only my MIL and SIL are here both disabled on physically and one mentally and the latter stays with us. I seriously can not wait to have the house to myself again, which will be for a while no cos they will not leave till their maid returns from her vacation. Also my younger sister is going to start residing with us starting Thursday, because my parents and older sister are leaving for a long vacation and she is tied with work and can't leave with them. So here you have it.

On another note my darling 5 year old daughter is starting school this year, and I am both excited and nervous. Excited because my off-springs are growing and nervous because of the change of schedule and routine this will entail. After indulging in being the night owl that I am since quitting my job to become a stay at home mum, now I have to summon forces to help me cope with the and early bird's life, but all for the children's sake.

I sometimes wonder how do people really feel about one another. I mean would you if you love someone want them around all the time or are you like me you like your personal space, and I am not only talking about romantic love I mean any kind of it. I don't know sometimes I wish I was more of a people's person but mostly I love my private space and enjoy my boundaries.

21st century blackouts?

We just had our first summer blackout. Yes yes that is a common problem in the summer along with water shortage.It was midnight, but you know midnight here is like 8 o'clock anywhere else. Everyone is up even children.

Anyhoo, we needed some light to see so what do we turn for? The trusted laptop, open your laptop and voila' light. Then we also used it to keep our girls feeling good with songs, cos they were very tense.

I remember a few years back when I was working. One day I arrived to work to discover that there is no electricity, our offices where on the 6th floor, no elevators! The shock! The horror. To add to it there was only the emergency stairs exit to use up. The stair way was so dark one could not see where they are stepping. So a colleague got out his PDA and directed to the stairs to help the both of us reach our destination.

So moral of the story is, where would we be without electricity? I mean Gadgets...

A mighty heart

I would like to know: where do jews get to preach world peace and harmony among different cultures when they have killed people and robbed a whole nation out of their land and home.

A mighty heart... indeed but it is that of my grandmother who ran away from home under the jews shotguns with her little children and a nursing baby on her arm. Now that is a mighty heart indeed.

Age

OK I am more OK with growing older than not OK, does that even make any sense. I am or will be in a couple of weeks 37 years old. And I have no intention to lie about my age. I don't get people who lie about their age. I mean one would know the truth so does it really matter if people think you are younger. What if you are a 40 something woman and you say you are a thirty something woman, and someone just goes: Oh you look ten years older!!!! How would you feel then....

I am slightly unaware of how old I am. I recently distributed a questionnaire for my dissertation research and I was surprised at some people's ages. And reading one 40 years old I was thinking: she is actually old, then I was: hello! you are going to be that old in three years!!!

I guess everyone feels younger than they already are. Just like how we all think we are smarter, more beautiful and attractive than we actually are. Well at least that is true for all of you, for me I am just as pretty as I think myself to be.

Dissertation

OK so I made the mistake of enrolling to continue my masters degree this year. I am doing distance studies. At some points I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. It is a loooot of work, specially going around distributing your questionnaires and such oooh sucks.

I have to finish everything by October and though it feels like I can do it, I am kind of in doubt. I am also questioning the topic right now. I have anticipated a bit of a richer issues to cover. But so far nothing. I am considering changing the topic, not sure if it is possible at this point.

Snooze

I wish!!! I am back at the studying world again. Enrolled this year to finish my masters I have the big bit left the DISSERTATION. I am sooo worried. I feel like I have no clue, and I have got a billion things to read and then the research.

I am done with contacts to the colleges and unis where I have to do my search, next week I have to do the actual visits, yek. Wake up early and talk to people really not my thing. Tried all my life, school, uni, and work. But it must be done. I need to find courage and go for it.

So I also have to stop procrastination. Think of doing something just do it, that is what I am trying to do now, instead of going over everything in my head a million times before doing it, just do it, it helps with procrastination.

OK off I go to start my day, there is food to prep, girls to dress, and then studying to do...

Hey

I want to try and make a good effort to blog more often. Why? Cos I think I have some genius ideas that I want to share. OK so who gives a .... Maybe no one, but at least I shared, and sharing is good as I tell my girls.

So the piece of wisdom for the day is,,, crap I forgot. Where do all the good ideas go when you need one.

Sleep tight

Joie de vivre

If you really take a good look at our world, you will want to be out of it. Wars, crimes, hunger an endless list of human suffering. And if you think that human kind is so much in control then think again. Anyone can come up of a list of misfortunes that could happen to a person. But those are not my main concern here. I want to talk about the human cruelty.

It is not enough that nature could be man's worst enemy, humans can not stop killing each other. When I think of where the world is heading I fear for my children. The world is run by a bunch of politicians serving a bunch of god knows who to get to more power, money and ... and it does not matter who suffers in the process, and how many human lives are killed and tortured. Humans are creative when it comes to crulty to one another. All those people in power go bout their days while being witness and in a position to do change to those who suffer in the world and yet they do nothing. I can not imagine how can someone do that. What is it that drives a human to lose perspective to that extent. If you are a father, brother, son or friend. If you are a mother, sister, daughter or friend, would you want any harm to your loved ones. And no matter what your religious belief is you are going to die one day. Knowing and being all that how can you want anything so bad that you kill and torture people for. Those kind of humans will always be beyond my comprehension.

Living in the world we live in, I sturggle everyday to keep the joy in my life. I do my best not to see the news for one. I remind my self of the beautiful nature, a nice breeze, a beautiful sunset, the smiles of my children. Every night I fight my tears and pray to God to keep my family safe and sound.

Humbled

If you are a woman who has children then you must realize by now that there is no female pride. Every girl “coming of age” is usually very proud of herself, a pride that increases the more her looks develop and her womanly attributes become full bloom. Taking care of her looks and image is a in most cases, a young woman’s pride and joy.

This was me like fifteen years ago. Come first baby all that just vanished. You get pregnant and think water retention, fat retention and huge feet are just in the package. When pregnancy is over things will go back to normal. Normal being a svelte, flawless you. Then you give birth and it hits you. I am or used to be a beautiful sexy being who likes things perfect and maintained an image of having together, now I am lying on bed with my legs tied up, gassed out of my wits, helpless waiting for the baby to come. Dare I be proud after that? I don’t think so. Do I feel like I have to be in full control of my body and life and looks? I don’t think so.

If you are a woman with children like me, then you my dear have been humbled like I have.

Still some part of me wants to be so elegant and all together. I give it a try every now and then. Like trying to wear high heels, it makes taking care of children while shopping really difficult. But it got me thinking. I have to be a little more flexible about how I look. So I am now taking a different approach to it. Making things more simple. So off to the mall I go, bought some nice ballerina shoes, it make me feel good that they are in style right now, but come to think of it, what isn’t basically everything goes these days. Also no fancy abayas and minimal make up. You see you would not want your make-up to rub on your baby’s face, right.

So in short go for minimum accessories, those that only work well with three children to take care of on outings.

To compensate, I am trying to spend real effort on improving my skin, hair and body. With good maintenance and working out. After all I don’t want to feel like I am just letting my body degenerate.

I am not feeling bad about the whole thing, a few years from now I will look back in yearning for the time when my children were so young. And I certainly will not regret not wearing heels while shopping with my children.

Random thoughts

My girls are healthy and fine, thank God. Did I mention they are now three. Yep my oh so wonderful journey with pregnancy ended a couple of months ago and the third one is out, she had to be forced out. I guess I have wise girls who are not very enthousiastic about life and this time my pregnancy lasted the whole 42 weeks permissable, and I had to go reluctantly to be induced...

After giving birth and having to deal with Ramadan and Eid with a three week old baby, I have decided that I will put off my dissertation till next year, I have neither the energy not the desire to study now. We are also considering moving house and putting my four year old in a KG so too much to cope with.

It is so nice to feel so physically able these days as opposed to pregnancy days, I no longer feel like a seventy year old woman.

As I was scanning TV channels this afternoon Rachel Ray got my attention with the body language experiment with a young woman on three dates, it was shown on One TV. Though the idea of body language is what interest me, I was soon enough disappointed at the implication that a woman had to do her best to get a second date with a guy she likes. I mean come on, no one thought that was degrading!!! I mean putting aside romantic notions and how a girl would want a guy to be simply charmed by her with the least effort, to imply that she has to work to get a second date from a guy is just insulting, like he is doing her favors or she is in a job interview. So called modern thinking what a load of rubbish.

When I am alone with my thoughts I wish I can make life easier fo everyone I love...

Commander in Chief 1st episod

How offensive can they get???
Everyone should be offended by this episode and not just Musliims, although they should primeraly be the ones to get offended. I was watching wondering did they do this whole show to make a statement about equality between men and women or did they do it (the show that is) to use that cause (equality of sexes) as a cover up to popularize all kinds of offensive political moves.

Anyone who saw the show as I did should realise what I am talking about. And MBC network which showed and is introducing this TV Show to the Arabic and Muslisms nations should be ashamed of themselves.